Rivals In Love
by Henry Soulen

The beautiful Lady Mustard sat between her adoring suitors - the Earl of Relish, and the Duke of Ketchup. She couldn't make up her mind between the two rivals who were trying to win her fair hand. 'But m'lady,' said the Duke, as he daintily lifted his pantaloon. 'I am more pleasing to the eye than the lowly Earl; I travel lightly, flow easily, and go with many things. The honorable Earl of Relish is bitter-tasting, limited, and only gets along with those insufferable Franks. M'lady, just tip me over, and I'll quietly and gently flow towards you.' 'Bah,' snorted the Earl, as he grabbed his sword handle and relished an opportunity to draw out his blade. 'Me'thinks, the honorable Sir Ketchup has been outside in the hot sun too long. He's rancid, bitter-tasting, and foul. I'd like to turn him upside down, bang on his bottom with the palm of my hand, and see what comes out.' Beautiful Lady Mustard, batted her eyelashes, tossed her golden hair, and licked her fingers. After all, she was French. 'Gentlemen,' she said. 'I have made up my mind. Neither of you will be my betrothed. I have given my heart to Senor Salsa.' 'But why?' blurted out the Duke of Ketchup. 'What has he got, that we haven't got?' asked the Earl of Relish. 'Well, if you must know, he's hot and spicy,' giggled Lady Mustard, with a gleam in her eye.